‘We’ ness i.e. Inter-dependence is a stage where I believe I am today and I still am a work in progress. For most of my 20’s I have been independent in terms of earning money and making life choices based on what I deemed was right for me. Although it sounds great I believe while I was being independent I missed out on some valuable suggestions and advice that was being offered to me at that point. This period covers a few odd times when I would allow people whom I considered to be mentors nudge me towards a certain path. And that was just that. I have mostly been a person who did things based on what she ‘felt’ was right for her. I believe it is certainly a much needed attribute while you are finding yourself and creating your sense of identity. Being autonomous is certainly a trait that most people in the Mental Health field would admire in anyone.
Following your journey as a child in a average Indian middle class family, you would be lucky if elders were even remotely interested in hearing what you had to say. Elders are meant to be respected and they ‘knew’ it all. I was fairly lucky because my parents did allow me a certain amount of freedom to decide for myself. Given this socio-cultural context, a lot of children do struggle to become truly independent. I believe I did attain a slightly above average level of autonomy which has helped me until today.
As life would have it, the past few years I have been presented with situations where if
I had chosen to continue to be this self-deterministic person, I would have lost some good job opportunities or relationships. There was a point where I had to learn to truly receive inputs from the people around me. Spiritually I see it as growing beyond the sense of “I” into a secured sense of “We”. It is stage where you are so secured in who you are that you can listen to others even if they have opposing views or suggestions that do not favor your ideologies. This is also something that one can learn only through relationships and through the act of ‘relating’ to another.
Being inter-dependent is being able to accept support from others when you need it and not being this stubborn strong willful person who simply wants to show others that he/she can survive alone. Being able to reflect and introspect is definitely a quality one needs to be able to admit that he/she was wrong. This also has a lot to do with you being able to trust someone else to have your best interests in his/her mind. You begin to see that you are not alone and that you are not meant to be. Even from a spiritual standpoint we all are connected but it becomes a tad bit difficult to grasp it in the human form when egos get involved in the process.
For me the first step towards acknowledging inter-dependence began with me admitting when I was wrong and accepting another way of looking at or doing something. This stage is also honestly freeing in a way that you are not supposed to be the ‘know it all’, you can ask for help and inputs. Like many other things, it is a change and our egos resist it for as long as possible. There is tremendous richness in being able to draw from this connectedness/togetherness/inter-dependence. It is a space where you continue to be YOU at the core and are able to truly appreciate another’s presence.