I didn’t see myself as a giver

I didn’t see myself as a giver 
Until I had nothing else left to give 
I didn’t see myself as a giver 
Until every ounce of me was ready to give up 
I didn’t see myself as a giver 
Until my friends whispered it into my soul 

I didn’t see it in me 
I saw those around me who would lovingly make meals for someone
Those who would give shelter to someone in need 
Those who unconditionally loved a child 
Those who wouldn’t flinch spending thousands of dollars at once for their family 

In my way of giving, I gave of myself to those around me 
I gave space 
I pruned my expectations 
I made space within me to understand the other 

Years ago when I had only just stepped into my youth, an older friend had asked me, 
how are you able to give w/o any expectations? 
I didn’t know what that meant 
I didn’t see myself as a giver 

I have had to teach myself to have certain expectations 
Decades later now, I have let it sink into me that yes, I am a giver indeed
My giving doesn’t come with a magnanimous outer expression 
It is a felt experience, subtle and deep 

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